


Wish you were straight

by yunliu



Series: You are my star [1]
Category: K-pop, NCT (Band)
Genre: Again lol, Alternate Universe - College/University, Coming Out, Cuddling & Snuggling, F/M, First Love, I feel so sad after writing this, I wrote this when I had barely any idea, Light Angst, M/M, Making Out, Trans Female Character, if there are any OOC moments, letting go, raining, so forgive me, what NCT was
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-20
Updated: 2019-06-20
Packaged: 2020-03-14 17:59:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,727
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18953134
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yunliu/pseuds/yunliu
Summary: That night, she didn't just kiss her romance goodbye. She kissed him goodbye, too.





	Wish you were straight

**Author's Note:**

> No surprise as to what inspired this. It was Doyoung's angelic cover of Wish You Were Gay. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy my first contribution to the NCT fandom :) // edit: I re-edited this quite a lot, added more stuff, so I decided to set the publication date more recent. This was originally posted on 25 May.

The night rain distilled into a light shower, slipping into a light rhythm on her dark window. It was so cold. His club activities must have ended hours ago. Doyoung wrapped her quilt tighter around herself, swimming in a pale rose pink sweater. In the cosy, one room, motel like flat, she was slowly growing sleepy. The fairy lights strung over her bed cast a small view he could see without light outside. In the darkness, the only rain that appeared to exist hung between the occasional car finding its way and a streetlight. 

Underneath, she wore a simple lacy bralette, which was laced up from behind, a pair of strings tickled the middle of her back. It was nice. She felt soft, albeit desiring a pair of warm arms to wrap around her and comfort her in this weather. Doyoung was the type to get cold easily. When was Jaehyun going to come? It was dark already, and she couldn't help but get a little worried. 

Jaehyun stood by the door, clearly having been caught in the rain, staring helplessly through the window. In a rush, she left her blanket on the bed and opened the door, not without quickly grabbing a towel to dry him. "What happened to you?" The older tutted, closing the door. She dried his face with a separate washcloth. 

"It just happened to rain. Besides," Jaehyun took still dry boxes of takeout from his bag with a flourish. "The food is dry." She rolled her eyes. They've known each other for a good while now: she should have gotten used to his antics. 

Was it very domestic? To dress in another's clothes? In her purposefully oversized hoodie, it fit just nice on his larger frame. "You should have passed me one of my jackets I left here instead," Jaehyun pouted, but wriggled into it anyway. The red material complimented his bright skin. Inwardly, her heart fluttered at the sight. It had been some time since the last when they slept over at each others houses. They made it a habit back in middle school, when they still lived with their parents. The pair were in different cliques which never crossed, so it was surprising to many at their school at how close they were. 

They said opposites attract.

Doyoung would prefer to say that birds of a feather flock together. 

Maybe it was a natural radar they possessed, that drew them to each other. The day that she graduated, he came out to her. Doyoung came out too, and they cried, in the comfort of Jaehyun's tent he pitched in their backyard. Yes, she did come out, but it would not be the first time. 

Everyone was experimenting on their own, having their firsts: a first kiss, a first date. But they weren't the only two hopeless gay teenagers: they knew others who shared the same woes. Obviously, they didn't all date each other. Perhaps it was inevitable that they would begin to develop mutual feelings for each other. It was odd, to see him in such a different light. Both didn't have much experience in romantic affairs, so it was painfully difficult to deal with. Spending more time with her new high school friends was an option Doyoung took, but Jaehyun had quickly picked up on the cues, and had burst out into shamefully easy tears when he visited her that one Monday night. 

His big, doe eyes had stared at her, pooling with pent up emotions. "Why did you ignore me for so long?" He had managed to muster out a few words without his voice quivering from the weight of his sadness. A tearful Jaehyun was a foreign sight that she never wanted to see again. Doyoung could feel her heart crumpling. She took him into her arms, and didn't let go until the next morning, when they were still were snuggled up to each other on her bed. Seeing his previously stricken face made her so guilty. She couldn't do that to him again. She couldn't ever make him feel sad, or she would never forgive herself. 

Their mutual attraction that they had shoved at the back of their minds could only stay for so long unprovoked. The first time he slept over in her new house nearer to her new college, they found themselves entrenched in the feelings they had tried so hard to repress. 

They hadn't said anything. Doyoung had slid her hand from Jaehyun's hair and down to his neck. Freezing up, he watched her lean in closer...closer, until their breaths were intermingling, her short and crisp one ghosting over his lips. He froze, waiting there. The older suddenly became acutely aware of her hair, which she hadn't washed yet, and the lingering taste of kimchi she had from lunch. Doyoung managed to look the other right in the eye, feeling wobbly. "Do you want this?" Another firm quirk of his head. 

"Say that you want it." 

Jaehyun ran his tongue over his teeth, absently wondering if his coffee from this morning had stained them. You don't have to ask me."

Doyoung snorted quietly. "Just say yes if you really want it, to reassure me. You're still in high school, so I feel like this is sort of illegal---"

Jaehyun suddenly grabbed her shoulder, turning her face to look at him again, lips pressed in a tight line. "We're one year apart. You're being ridiculous." He sighed, brushing a stray strand of her that fell into her face. Doyoung couldn't remember how to breathe for a moment. 

Then their lips met gently; experimental, but it reduced her insides into a melting mess only a second in. It was the best way the girl had ever been shut up.

One of his hands had found his way to her waist, almost like a pressing heat pack against her colder body, making her let out a little squeak. It was both of their first kisses so it was surprising that they didn't fumble throughout it. It was almost as if they had been mentally preparing for this for a long time, up to this moment. Jaehyun had cautiously bit on her bottom lip as they got more heated, letting him lick into her mouth. They had pulled apart with swollen, tinted lips and cheeks, breathing hard, Jaehyun's ears a warm red. "Cute," he murmured, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear, and boy, did her cheeks burn. That night, they fell asleep lost in the galaxy of themselves, no one else in the world. Their sleep hadn't been this relaxed in weeks.

Jaehyun had woken up earlier, watching her sleep fondly. He could get used to this. Waking up, she smiled at him, lacing their fingers together. "So... boyfriends?" He asked, rather shyly, before uncharacteristically hiding his face in the crook of her neck in embarrassment. Though he was endearing, the term left a dry taste in her mouth. It wasn't right. It made her feel uncomfortable. The older carefully smoothed out his hair, giving the crown of his head a kiss. "Maybe not now, okay? I'm not in the right place to date." He probably heard, but didn't say anything, nor did he question her. 

It had been two years: two years of skirting around their feelings, waiting for her. All of these messy matters. With such a pretty face and an even prettier personality, Doyoung wondered why he hadn't walked away to find a much better man that would appreciate him in ways she never could have. The answer continued to escape her.

Doyoung took out her foldable dining table, placing the takeout pad Thai onto their own plates. The room begins to fill with a spice rich smell, and her stomach couldn't wait. After quickly uttering a quiet thanks, she picked up her utensils and dug in, Jaehyun gazing at her amusedly before eating. It leaves a warm feeling in her stomach. The two sat up in her bed, scrolling through programmes on her small flat screen television on Netflix. As usual, Jaehyun wrapped a comforting hand around Doyoung's waist, pulling her closer. That, being done so often, but she still felt herself blush.

The only light in the flat was the television and her lamp that perched over the side of her bed. By the second hour, they had enough of laughing and crying at everything on screen. They slipped into a comfortable silence, sharing a blanket that covered their legs. "Hey, I totally wasn't expecting that twist," she frowned, turning to Jaehyun who rested his head on her shoulder. His eyelashes cast small shadows over his cheeks as he slept restfully. Even in the dim lighting, the small purple marks of his eye circles stuck out as clear as day. Gently, she guided his head to the pillow. He must be occupied with so many things, up to finals. The lamp highlighted the soft slopes of his face, and he looked vulnerable, sitting there in her hoodie, breath flitting in and out. How nobody could look at that ethereal face and not want to cosset him, she didn't know. 

Tomorrow. She will tell him tomorrow. She will tell him everything she's felt, that's lead up to this point, everything, absolutely everything, without missing a single beat or detail. But it will have to start with that one dreaded sentence, and although she's rehearsed it so many times...it still rested at the back of her throat, unwilling to rear it's ugly head. The next day, it will be a goodbye to his wasted wait of two years. All she has done was waste his time, waiting for someone who never could be the one for him. 

It's would be selfish to take advantage of him in this vunderable state. Here, he was positively ethereal, the only still rock in the rumbling chaos of her mind. Doyoung tilted her head. If she leaned in a little more, their lips would have slotted together. She paused. Jaehyun opened his eyes, but she didn't move. "Wouldn't it be better to do it when I'm awake?" His voice was dipped in a haze of tiredness, yet his voice held a chiding lilt to it. He held her arm, eyes lidded, words subdued. She couldn't look away. This time, she kissed him first. 

Their mouths moved together in sync, slowly. She tried to familiarise herself again with the younger's taste. It wasn't very long, but Doyoung fell asleep with a smile anyways, contented with the reassuring feeling of Jaehyun's arms around her. That night, she slept feeling so small in his arms, so delicate, so happy. Just for one night. It will be the last one.

She would savour this moment so dearly.

Unfortunately, she couldn't say the same to seeing him in the morning. That boy had already beat her to it. Stirring, she woke up to him tapping his fingers on her arm, eyes lidded. In her sleep her top had rolled up to reveal some of her stomach. The intricate strap that cinched onto her waist was shown. Doyoung wasn't awake enough to feel mortified, though. He was fondly stroking her hair, a habit of his since she's known him. When she turned to face him, he smiled the most endearing grin. The girl could hear her heartbeat stutter. 

"Good morning, Doie."

"Morning to you too."

The air was much colder than it was the night before. A residue of raindrops was trailing down the window, and Doyoung could feel a loamy smell of earth rising up in wet bursts. Jaehyun was grumbling, continuing to hold her as she padded up to draw the curtains. She shrugged him off, going to the kitchen to make a simple meal. She tied her hair up in a short ponytail, feeling satisfied with the way it brushed against the ends of her ears. 

A warm smell of sweet potatoes entered her nose, with the sizzling popping fry of her saucepan. Hopefully, he brought his own toothbrush. (If he needed, she had a spare for him. He always exploited her kindness in this way.) Then, he crept into the kitchen, when she had switched off the gas. 

Jaehyun ran his hand through her longer strands. "It's so long now...maybe you should cut it." As if time slowed, she froze up, and she dropped her spatula onto the plate with a light clatter. Turning around, she could feel her expression freeze up: if the girl's face turned to stone any faster, it would have broken off, her smiling mask falling with it. Should she tell him now? 

_It's now or never. ___

**You'll still have time to tell him.**

____

_But you keep lying to him? How long more, Doyoung, how long more?_

____

One drop. Two drops. Suddenly, a wetness brushed against her cheeks, leaving an icy feeling in its wake. Her vision blurred together into a clumping mass of colour. "Why are you crying?" Jaehyun frowned, wiping her tears away with his fingers. He held her face so carefully in his hands, with that she felt more pent up words welling up as tears in her eyes. Maybe it was because she couldn't see him clearly any longer, so she finally could recollect the words she found difficult to say aloud. This was long overdue. For both him, and her too. That innate fear she had, of him falling out of love with her, was a possible reality she refused to face. But it was selfish to both herself and him. She knew that he would accept her with open arms. Still, she wanted him to embrace her as her future lover, not just a friend. What was the point of wishing to see a made up flower in a dream that would never come true?

____

"Jaehyun, I'm a girl." The skeleton in her closet tumbled out. "And I like my hair long," she added, for good measure. 

____

Faint lavender. 

____

Jaehyun smelled like the detergent he used back then. It wasn't sweetly crisp, but you could smell it there, even while wearing her hoodie. In a crevice of his body, she could feel the steady, comforting rhythm of his heart, like a shower of rain when it tapped on her window. Her tight posture slackened, and she began to time her breaths with his heartbeat. Stroking her head, he let her cry more. "What's there to cry for? Thank you for telling me. I'm so proud of you." He'd reacted just like of her expectations, all kind and reassuring, because she knew he was that loving. Still, she wept into his chest. 

____

Some things aren't just meant to be. At least she would still have him as a friend, right? It was nice while it lasted. Jaehyun guided her face to look up, as she continued to sniff pathetically. "You're my noona now, right?" She let out a choked laugh and hit him lightly. They had never used formalities with each other though she was older. 

____

The night before, she didn't just kiss her romance goodbye. She kissed him goodbye, too. Let him go. 

____

Sometimes, when she had a lucid dream, she would dream about walking down the hallway of her high school. Jaehyun would be smiling from ear to ear. And in her reflection, she would see this tall girl with long hair and donning a blue tennis skirt, in the style popular among the girls in her old school. She wore a bunny-like smile, and a skip in her step. The younger's hand was warm in her smaller one.

____

_"This is my girlfriend."_ The words sounded so close, yet so far. Despite her subconscious desires, she knew that another man belonged next to him, instead of her. (She still hasn't accepted that loss fully, she had concluded after another night, wraught with dreams of an alternate universe where Jaehyun liked girls too.)

____

It was nice while it lasted. The curtains have fallen, the lights have dimmed. At least, Doyoung thought, she's loved him, and that was enough. Everything ended on good terms. If she wanted to recount the memories, she could sit down on a chair, watch her projector stutter to life, broadcasting the memories from her mind there. Jaehyun was inside every one, in happy and sad. And that was enough for her.

____

**Author's Note:**

> The end was inspired by Love Scenario. I just ran through this with a online check, so forgive me if there are any grammatical errors. 
> 
> Leave a kudos? :>
> 
> Edit: THIS IS GETTING A PREQUEL;;; I got an idea, and it's gonna be much longer. Stay on the look out for it!


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